A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
