i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
