...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
