I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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