shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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