I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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