a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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