Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
