my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
