WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
