I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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