remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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