walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
