Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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