You made me cry and you don't even care
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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