So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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