Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
