Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
