I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
