a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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