3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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