At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
