I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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