so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
