What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just cut my nipple shaving
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
