Is it normal to miss your booty call?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
