why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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