from now on my penis is your penis
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
