I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
