At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
