yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
