How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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