To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
