I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
