You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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