Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize