Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
