Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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