This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
