My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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