This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
