Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
