This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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