Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
