I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
