Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
