there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
