Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
