I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
