My cat gives me a boner
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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