Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
