Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
