I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
