I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
