I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
