god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
