does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
