Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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