i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
