Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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