Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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