i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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