That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
