today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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